once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Randomize
