saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
