I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
hell yes lets make some ravioli
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I just forgot I was standing up.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Randomize
