When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
