the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
