First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
