I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
