Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
