I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Randomize
