The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
