God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
