you turned your livingroom into a bong?
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
a search helicopter?!
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
