I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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