It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
