He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
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This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
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Im part way to drunk.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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