I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
