Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize
