so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Randomize
