Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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