I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
