He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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