my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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