you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
