i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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