Your mouth is God's brothel.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
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