Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
