She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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