I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.