I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I want to be your penis for a week.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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