dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
