i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
