...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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