My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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