if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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