I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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