She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
