Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
