I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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