this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
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