I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
