my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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