It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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