She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
