the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
