the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Randomize
