dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Randomize
