Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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