sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
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