He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
