He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Operation Purity has been aborted
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I'm getting married
To pizza
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
