Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
