Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
