WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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