M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
