I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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