Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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