is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
where does the pee come out of this thing
no. you can't hotbox the world.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
